I was back at my local haunt tonight playing heads up against the dealer. It was one of those up and down struggles with some huge swings and some high true counts. At one point during the evening I was down about 80 units ($400), but was feeling calm and relaxed. I was confident in feeling that it was just one of those swings that I've become so accustomed to.

But it did make me think back to the very first time I lost money playing blackjack. It was nearly a year ago, I was still a newbie and hadn't fully mastered counting cards yet. I just went to the casino with my limited skills to see what it felt like. I only had a $100 lining my pocket and needless to say it quickly disappeared. At the time I felt devastated. $100 may be small change to many people, but not to me at the time. The thought that I'd thrown the money away for nothing chilled me to the very bones.

Yet here I am a year on. $400 down and not even a wrinkle of doubt crosses my forehead. The dealers notice my bored expression. They must be thinking "lucky bastard to be throwing money like that without a care in the world, I'm glad it's me cleaning him out!".

You see. I have experience on my side now. I know that this is part of the dance that we call counting cards. Sometimes you'll win, sometimes you'll lose. I've got to the point now that I'm relying entirely on my winnings to support my blackjack bankroll. I know that in the end I'm going to come out ahead, numbers are on my side.

Have I become immune to the fear? Definitely not. I still get nervous every time the dealer turns over their next card. Is it going to bust them, or are they going to get another unlikely 21. I've seen some crazy streaks in my time. Another losing streak like the one I suffered in February could wipe my bankroll out entirely. My bankroll is not that big that it can support itself indefinitely (cause I had to spend a large portion on some unforeseen expenses). But I do not rely on card counting to support myself. I have a day job as well as other investments and business interests. Blackjack is a part time job/hobby for me.

So what is it that I really fear? That I am becoming the degenerate gambler that I pretend to be so many nights. Counting cards requires a great deal of will power and self restraint. Something that comes easier to some than other. As long as I can keep blackjack only a small part of my life I think I'll be fine though.

Anyway, this weekend has ended up being extremely profitable for me. I ended up with an amazing winning streak on a high count (winning over 10 hands in a row, double handed with doubles, splits, blackjacks the works!). Considering I'm back at the lower limits, my takings for this weekend were a smidge over $1,500. Why didn't I get this streak when I had jumped up to the high level? That's life eh?

Back to work tomorrow. Will be another couple of weeks before I can hit the tables again.